Comments for Wisdom Is Misery http://www.wisdomismisery.com Please, give me back my ignorance. Thu, 23 Feb 2012 01:09:42 +0000 hourly 1 Comment on The Children of Adoption by Challenging Love as a Former Foster Child « Christina Wrote That http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2012/02/20/commentary/the-children-of-adoption/#comment-4521 Challenging Love as a Former Foster Child « Christina Wrote That Thu, 23 Feb 2012 01:09:42 +0000 http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2932#comment-4521 [...] READ THE REST AT MY GUEST POST ON WISDOMISMISERY.COM Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Filed under are words ← Short Hair Girl Commandments [...] [...] READ THE REST AT MY GUEST POST ON WISDOMISMISERY.COM Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Filed under are words ← Short Hair Girl Commandments [...]

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]]> Comment on The Children of Adoption by Christina http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2012/02/20/commentary/the-children-of-adoption/#comment-4520 Christina Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:49:10 +0000 http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2932#comment-4520 Wow, the feedback is great on this post. Thank you for allowing me to share via your site again, WIM, and thank you all for the comments. @Tea that "ugly" side is no joke. Questioning motives behind everything nice done or not done for you is a defense mechanism rooted deeply in fear and pain. It is a constant struggle to break out of patterns caused by abandonment issues. The surrender, the acceptance, the courage to just let yourself calm down... man, taking it easy is hella hard. Yet, a very necessary decision I've had to come to terms with. Wow, the feedback is great on this post. Thank you for allowing me to share via your site again, WIM, and thank you all for the comments. @Tea that “ugly” side is no joke. Questioning motives behind everything nice done or not done for you is a defense mechanism rooted deeply in fear and pain. It is a constant struggle to break out of patterns caused by abandonment issues. The surrender, the acceptance, the courage to just let yourself calm down… man, taking it easy is hella hard. Yet, a very necessary decision I’ve had to come to terms with.

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]]> Comment on The Children of Adoption by wimadmin http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2012/02/20/commentary/the-children-of-adoption/#comment-4516 wimadmin Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:07:03 +0000 http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2932#comment-4516 <b>It’s like he has to be stong enough and optimistic enough for the both of us because my growth beyond these things has been so stunted.</b> This is interesting because I sometimes felt the same way when interacting with my X. I think it was probably more difficult for me, or so it sounds, than your husband because while I'm a fairly positive and laid back person, I'd also consider myself to be far more of a realist than an optimist. I tend to hope for the best but plan for the worst and that might not have been the optimal strategy for interacting with her. Also, since I was younger, I didn't feel very comfortable being placed in the leadership role that she seemed to expect of me. I often told her that I wanted to be her boyfriend, not her father but in hindsight, I probably could have done a better job dictating the relationship. I just wasnt particularly comfortable with that role/responsibility at the time/age. Frankly, I felt she wanted me to be a man before I was ready to be a man, in regards to leading a relationship anyway. Also, thanks for your comments on this post and my post for SBM today. Very insightful. It’s like he has to be stong enough and optimistic enough for the both of us because my growth beyond these things has been so stunted.

This is interesting because I sometimes felt the same way when interacting with my X. I think it was probably more difficult for me, or so it sounds, than your husband because while I’m a fairly positive and laid back person, I’d also consider myself to be far more of a realist than an optimist. I tend to hope for the best but plan for the worst and that might not have been the optimal strategy for interacting with her. Also, since I was younger, I didn’t feel very comfortable being placed in the leadership role that she seemed to expect of me. I often told her that I wanted to be her boyfriend, not her father but in hindsight, I probably could have done a better job dictating the relationship. I just wasnt particularly comfortable with that role/responsibility at the time/age. Frankly, I felt she wanted me to be a man before I was ready to be a man, in regards to leading a relationship anyway.

Also, thanks for your comments on this post and my post for SBM today. Very insightful.

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]]> Comment on The Children of Adoption by Tea http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2012/02/20/commentary/the-children-of-adoption/#comment-4515 Tea Tue, 21 Feb 2012 21:49:10 +0000 http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2932#comment-4515 I only have seen that happen on t.v. I personally would never think to disrespect my adoptive parents like that, buuut..I'm sure some adopted teens do it. Really, ANY child can potentially become a raging teen throwing "stuff" in your face, whether adopted or not. lol. I think this more so depends on how you raise your children. Lastly, yes they will wonder where they came from, but if you are always honest and upfront about where they came from, it won't be that much of a worry....versus if you hide it from them. I only have seen that happen on t.v.

I personally would never think to disrespect my adoptive parents like that, buuut..I’m sure some adopted teens do it. Really, ANY child can potentially become a raging teen throwing “stuff” in your face, whether adopted or not. lol. I think this more so depends on how you raise your children.

Lastly, yes they will wonder where they came from, but if you are always honest and upfront about where they came from, it won’t be that much of a worry….versus if you hide it from them.

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]]> Comment on The Children of Adoption by Tea http://www.wisdomismisery.com/2012/02/20/commentary/the-children-of-adoption/#comment-4514 Tea Tue, 21 Feb 2012 21:42:21 +0000 http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2932#comment-4514 I was adopted. Even growing up in relatively healthy family circumstances, I can say that being an adopted child still leads to abandonment/attachment/identity issues (like those you found to be true of your ex-girl). I still struggle with letting anyone in past the surface and until I have my own family, I don't think I will ever feel what people feel when they express deep bonds with and dependence on their family. I agree with Ms. White about "the awesome girlfriend" phenomena too. My exes always bragged in and after the relationship about me being the best girlfriend ever. I have no doubt. Why? Because once in it, you give and give and give because you never want to be "abandoned" again. And I never have been... ...But in a way, that's the other "ugly" side--- you can become the abandon-ner. It's like, while it may have been hard to become attached to someone, once attached, you end up having much too high expectations of them (or friends even)...wondering why don't they give as much as you. Which to you means they don't really "want you", so you may be kind of quick to let a person go. After growing older and self-reflecting, etc., I'm better about all of this now. So, please, don't let this stuff scare you out of adopting in the future! lol. My adoptive parents never hid that I was adopted, which I believe is the best route for parents to take. I thank God that my life was preserved because my birth mother could have made different decisions and I may not have ever existed in the physical. I also thank God I was adopted or else the type of person my experiences have made me would not have existed either. Now, I'm getting my Ph.D. in developmental psychology (SANKOFA), striving for excellence, and trying to be an example of the change I want to see in the world! <--ok that got a lil sappy/corny. lol. But anyway, thanks for the post on this topic! Many times when you tell people you are adopted, they don't really really stop to think about what it means or the ways that's influenced who you are. Until they get to know someone intimately who has been adopted, I think most people won't. I was adopted. Even growing up in relatively healthy family circumstances, I can say that being an adopted child still leads to abandonment/attachment/identity issues (like those you found to be true of your ex-girl). I still struggle with letting anyone in past the surface and until I have my own family, I don’t think I will ever feel what people feel when they express deep bonds with and dependence on their family.

I agree with Ms. White about “the awesome girlfriend” phenomena too. My exes always bragged in and after the relationship about me being the best girlfriend ever. I have no doubt. Why? Because once in it, you give and give and give because you never want to be “abandoned” again. And I never have been…

…But in a way, that’s the other “ugly” side— you can become the abandon-ner. It’s like, while it may have been hard to become attached to someone, once attached, you end up having much too high expectations of them (or friends even)…wondering why don’t they give as much as you. Which to you means they don’t really “want you”, so you may be kind of quick to let a person go.

After growing older and self-reflecting, etc., I’m better about all of this now. So, please, don’t let this stuff scare you out of adopting in the future! lol.

My adoptive parents never hid that I was adopted, which I believe is the best route for parents to take. I thank God that my life was preserved because my birth mother could have made different decisions and I may not have ever existed in the physical. I also thank God I was adopted or else the type of person my experiences have made me would not have existed either. Now, I’m getting my Ph.D. in developmental psychology (SANKOFA), striving for excellence, and trying to be an example of the change I want to see in the world! <–ok that got a lil sappy/corny. lol.

But anyway, thanks for the post on this topic! Many times when you tell people you are adopted, they don't really really stop to think about what it means or the ways that's influenced who you are. Until they get to know someone intimately who has been adopted, I think most people won't.

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