I’m working on a trilogy of blogs that are so controversial, so divisive, so ignorantly ignorant that they may very well get me banned from the blogging community, the Internet and society at large. In preparing for the possible implications of these blogs I decided to post something more lighthearted today. The Cruel Intentions Swindle!!!
Disclaimer: This blog and its contents are for male readers 18 and up. Male readers under 18 (or women of all ages) should exit now unless they have obtained the approved consent of a parent or guardian.
I can’t speak for other men but Cruel Intentions CHANGED MY LIFE. Next to How to Be a Player, it was the singlehanded most awe inspiring movie of my generation. This movie came out at the culmination of when I had reached the pinnacle of being nothing more than a young whoremonger of women and women’s emotions alike. Yes, in a life now past, I was a womaneater. Wait, that came out wrong… Oh forget it, you know what I mean.
Anyway Ryan Philipe’s character in Cruel Intentions, Sebastian Valmont, was the embodiment of the man you men could play like given the right determination and dedication to the game.
I personally learned countless life lessons from this movie and today I am here to share one of them with men of all ages, players and past-players alike. That lesson, as referenced in the title above, is The Cruel Intentions Swindle. Now fellas in order to successfully implement this swindle you will need to acquire and/or perform the following:
• A synchronized watch;
• A blue dress shirt (dress tie optional);
• A virgin. I recognize this article is hard to obtain. Thus, if you cannot locate a virgin as they are reportedly happened upon about as frequently as unicorn sightings, then for our purposes a non-garden utensil will suffice;
• Engage in a random and systematic fight with your virgin-esque woman that is serious enough to end the relationship but not serious enough to make her hate you forever;
• Easy access to an escalator;
• Know how to kiss;
• Secure a room at a nearby 3+ star hotel or clean apartment/home/dwelling with a bed and a roof that does not include your parents house; and
• Condoms (brand of your choosing).
• Optional: The ability to make time move in slow motion or a hidden videographer who can record the whole event and provide slow motion playback to you at a later date with optional soundtrack.
• Please Note: For greatest effect, you should have NEVER told or indicated that you love your intended target. Bare in mind that you WILL have to tell her “I love you” during the central point of this swindle.
In order for this mission to be a success you must heed the following WITHOUT DEVIATION.
First: Using your synchronized watch you will have to either 1) see how long it takes to make the trip to the designated area you have PRE-SELECTED with the escalator you plan to use under optimal driving conditions or 2) if you plan to already be at this location (recommended), then determine how long it takes to walk to each escalator within the vicinity from the PRE-SELECTED area where you plan to have the mock fight under optimal walking conditions.
Second: If possible, have the mock fight with your PRE-SELECTED “virgin” wearing a different shirt than the blue dress shirt you have already PRE-PURCHASED and will be wearing at the top of the escalator used later in this swindle. This is not required but will assist immensely in adding to the overall effect.
Third: Here’s where things get tricky. This is where you stage the mock fight on the SECOND FLOOR. You must ensure she storms off in the opposite direction of you or you storm off in the opposite direction of her. Regardless, you must make certain you already know where she will be going or that she remains in your peripheral vision wherever she goes, while ensuring that she cannot confirm your own whereabouts.
If you are not already wearing it, place your blue dress shirt on at this time. If you have elected to wear a tie MAKE SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO TIE A TIE. If not leave ONLY the top two buttons of your dress shirt undone – and I don’t care if you live in Miami, TWO BUTTONS undone only!
Using your synchronized watch, make sure you arrive at the top of the escalator she will be riding up while still remaining out of her sight until she is AT MINIMUM 40% of the way up the escalator. When she makes eye contact with you, tilt your head at a 45 degree angle to the right while maintaining a steady gaze with a sheepish-punished-puppy-Im-ready-to-apologize like look on your face.
When she arrives at the top of the escalator, allow her to speak first. It really doesn’t matter what she says. I don’t care if she tells you “Your mother’s a man and yes I think she deserves to die and I hope she burns in hell!”
IT. DOES. NOT. MATTER! She’s hurt and frustrated with you right now and she’s liable to say anything. She might even lay hands on you, but I DON’T CARE WHAT TAKES PLACE AT THE TOP OF THAT ESCALATOR YOU DO THE FOLLOWING AND THE FOLLOWING ONLY!
Fourth: Allow 2.5 seconds to pass after whatever statement she makes and/or allow yourself sufficient time to recover from however hard she slapped you. Once recovered, stare longingly and deeply into her eyes and say:
“Well, I’m in love (or: I love you).”
Then take your “virgin” firmly (but not intimidatingly) by the shoulders, give one last glimpse into her now shocked eyes and kiss her passionately for a passage of time of your choosing.
Fifth: Grasp her securely by the hand and take her somewhere romantic that has a bed. And by romantic, I DO NOT mean Motel 6. However, if you cannot afford somewhere romantic, ensure your apartment, house, or section 8 crib is nearby and has been PREVIOUSLY CLEANED and SMELLS FRESH and THE BED IS MADE. Do this with great haste before the overpowering sentiment of the moment wears off and she realizes THE GREATEST SWINDLE OF ALL TIME is afoot.
Once at your chosen lodging, be sure to practice safe sex using your PREVIOUSLY acquired condoms. Catching K.I.D.S. is under no circumstances the intent of The Cruel Intentions Swindle nor will the creators or contributors be held accountable or liable for such repercussions.
— FIN —
There may be naysayers out there but I can assure you that if The Cruel Intentions Swindle is thoroughly implemented using the easy to follow steps outlined above it will NEVER fail. GURANTEED.
As an added bonus, if you should happen to marry this woman she will spend the rest of her days bragging to her friends and your friends and your friends friends about how you rescued the relationship from the brink of annihilation with one fellow swoop of the most romantic actions she has EVER witnessed.
You can view the Cruel Intentions Swindle in action by playing the mini-clip from the Cruel Intentions movie below. Please enjoy putting this swindle into practice and the boundless fruits of your labor. Oh yeah, and you’re welcome.
The cruel intentions swindle fine print clause: For this swindle to be a success you have to make sure your significant other and everyone she knows now or might know in the future has never and will never see Cruel Intentions.
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