A few years ago, a woman friend of mine told me the following:
“Men regret the women they did not sleep with, women regret the men they did sleep with.”
Thus, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me the many imaginative ways in which women calculate the number of men they quote un-quote “slept with.”
For example, I have a friendgirl who I know for a fact has slept with upwards of 15 guys. This is not an affront to her because that’s her business. What I do take issue with is the fact that if you ask her how many guys she’s slept with she will tell you with a straight face something in the single digits, like seven. Not because she has selective amnesia or anything but because she believes that most of the guys that drove her number upwards “don’t count.”
In a world that only a woman could understand; therefore, I am making no claims to understand because trust me I don’t, my friend only counts some of the guys she actually slept with as guys she’s really slept with. She has all kinds of convoluted theories and classifications for managing this deranged catalog system.
First and foremost, if she didn’t enjoy it, then it DEFINITELY doesn’t count. If it didn’t last a sufficient amount of time, that doesn’t count. If she didn’t like him, that doesn’t count. If she used to like him but she doesn’t like him anymore? Naturally, he is removed from the list. The conditions go on and on. Other instances include: if it happened while she was drunk; in a different area code; he had a small [Richard] or his [Richard] was indeed big, but he didn’t know how to work it; she had a cold; a sinus headache; a migraine; and/or it was nighttime and she was sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, had a stuffy head, fever and she couldn’t find her nighttime cold medicine and other nonsensical items of that nature. Of course, all those guys don’t count.
By my friend’s terms she can have sex with 500 dudes, yet somehow always remain in single digits. I haven’t talked to her lately; for all I know she might be a virgin again.
I’m using my friend as an example but I know this flawed premise applies to far more women than it should. For whatever reason women just hate to admit that they’ve ever had sexual intercourse with anyone, ever. And if they do, they’ll do everything short of lying on God’s name – though they’d probably do that too – to convince you that no matter how many guys they copulate with in real life in their heads that number never gets much higher than 10. There is just something about having sex partners in the double digit that naturally frightens women. Like kids with the Boogie Man, I guess.
Ladies, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but I can assure you that if a man has ever managed to insert his [Richard] into your vagina for longer than .000000000000000000001 milliseconds, it counts! Not only does it count but on everything I love he counts it, he might even count it twice! Thus, you better hope you him and the man you are lying to presently never run into each other because it’ll be awkward for everyone involved.
If you think I’m lying, I’ll use myself as an example. One time I “slept” with a girl for a sum total of maybe 1 and ½ strokes. Here’s what happened: I put it in and I was just about to go into full stroke number two when her friend bust into the room. She pushed me off her and ran away embarrassed and that was the end of that. Her roommate and I had a rather pleasant conversation though so all was not lost. As it turns out, I never saw this girl again but you know what?
I COUNT IT!
Namely because she was cute and she had a big booty, so why wouldn’t I? Granted, she probably considers me to be in the “he doesn’t count” category. But for her sake I hope we never cross paths because you can place all your money on me giving her the “yeah, I hit that” eye and she giving me the “O know you didn’t” stink face.
So ladies, what about you? Do you count all that have entered between your knees and beyond? Do you have rules to who does or does not count? Do you, like most of my lady friends, have two lists – the number of those you TECHNICALLY slept with and the number of those you consider yourself having ACTUALLY slept with. Please clarify in the comment section below. While you’re there, please also explain when you went crazy and discovered that you have subpar math skills.
Fellas, am I alone? Are there any women you’ve been with that you DON’T count? Sometimes I think about not counting the facially challenged ones but I’m the only one that knows for sure – and I will be taking that privileged information to my grave. Admittedly, I might deny it to their face if they ever tried to call me out on it in front of my boys though.
“MAN, I DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT GIRL! BELIEVE ME! BELIEVE ME!”
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