Adele – Someone Like You
I heard that you’re settled down
That you found agirlboy and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guessshehe gave you things I didn’t give to you.
The following is merely a short story encompassing a lifetime of lessons…
I’d spent the greater part of a year pretending I didn’t care that the woman I loved was with another man. I had done a pretty good job. We had been together so long that people refused to view us as two separate individuals instead of the familiar whole they had always known us as. I had fielded so many variations of, “What happen with…” I had memorized responses to each and every phrase. After our bitter and very public break-up, I would grit my teeth and glare at anyone who asked before managing a half-hearted response. I guess this was better than punching them in their face, which was my instinctive reaction.
I didn’t want to talk about our half-decade relationship. I wanted to forget how we began. I wanted to forget how we ended. I wanted to forget everything we had been through. And I really wanted to forget her. These so-called well meaning friends of ours weren’t helping me establish my world of make believe, where one could easily be devoid of natural human emotion simply because they chose to be.
Besides the fact that all of our mutually intertwined circle of friends wouldn’t let me forget, neither would my mind or my heart. This didn’t stop me from being in denial. It also didn’t stop me from passively aggressively avoiding developing any sense of emotional attachment to women who knew of my eradicated heart but struggled in vain to fix and restore it. I moved through life with a steely shell of a demeanor trying to convince myself I was clearly over my X. I told myself I didn’t love her anymore. In fact I tried to remind myself that I hated her every chance I got. That’s when I got the call.
A friend: Did you hear about [name redacted]?
Me: I tried to control the rage in my voice at this unsolicited question about the X…yet again. No.
A friend: She seemed undaunted by the threatening tone of my voice and didn’t bother to wait for me to ask why. Maybe she knew I never would… She’s pregnant.
Me: I let the statement soak in. The woman I loved was pregnant by another man. It hurt like hell. I tried to convince myself it was funny.
This was the very same man she left me for. That hurt worse. I bandaged this new gaping wound of emotional pain with anger. I remained silent…
A range of conflicting emotions I couldn’t begin to control or identify surged through my body. I didn’t know what to say but my friend didn’t wait for me to respond before she delivered the rest of her message. This was the part that would break what little of my spirit was left.
A friend: She’s getting married. Just thought you should know…
And with that she hung up.
——————
I was on a date at the time. I managed a fake smile before placing my cell phone back on the table as if what I’d been told wasn’t the most devastating piece of information I’d ever received to date. I picked up my fork. I grinned at my date, looked down, and started eating like nothing had happened. But, it was too late…
Internally, however, the weight of the information splintered the dam of false emotions I had used to fortify my heart for the past year. When the initial break-up happened I mainly locked my true emotions away under a fortress of passive aggressive tendencies, anger, and apathy. No more. My true feelings were clawing with increasing veracity to escape the tomb I had ruthlessly buried them in…alive.
I don’t know how many times she had already asked but the volume of her voice when it finally broke through my thoughts lead me to believe it wasn’t the first time she had repeated the question.
My date: ARE YOU OK?!
Lost in my thoughts, I don’t know how long or how hard I had been crying to cause the type of concern that rang from her voice. I assumed it had been a while. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I realized, like a sociopath, I was crying with a perfectly straight face. My eyes had betrayed us. I was too pissed to be emotional.
Me: I’m fine.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.
Almost exactly one year ago that day, my X had given me one last opportunity to repair our abruptly terminated relationship. She had invited me to her place to talk. I didn’t refuse the invite but once there, I refused to talk. Looking at her standing there looking more beautiful than I ever remembered filled me with too many emotions. More than anything on Earth, I hated not being in control.
A part of me hated her. More of me loved her. All of me resented her.
It wasn’t fair. Although she could have done things a lot better, she didn’t really do anything wrong. Honestly – although it would take me many more years to realize and accept – she didn’t do anything I hadn’t already been pushing her towards doing for a number of years before. It simply culminated in our extinction level event. It was amazing she lasted this long.
Even with all my faults – and there were many – here she stood in front of me, again, offering an olive branch. An opportunity for us both to address our sins. Although younger in age, she managed to explain herself with a level of maturity I had yet to master. Instead, I brewed in silence.
When she finished pouring out her soul she looked into my eyes. I knew she wanted a response. I even knew what she wanted that response to be and I honestly wanted to give it to her but I was too stubborn. I loved her but in my ignorance, I was determined to be the one to dictate the course of the relationship. What I failed to realize was not only was I throwing away my final chance to restore any kind of future we may have together, I was losing her.
This had happened before. I had lost her any number of times and I always got her back on my terms. I was too prideful to say what she needed to hear when she needed to hear it. However, what I didn’t know then was that this would be the last time I’d be given this chance. Not only was it was the last time for me to plead my case to her, the judge and the jury, it would be the last time I’d ever physically lay eyes on her. I didn’t know it, but in those fleeting moments of self-imposed silence that should have been filled with pleas of forgiveness and promises of change, I lost her…forever.
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg.
Looking back, I never really fought for her. A part of me knows that even if I had I might have failed. I’m not sure if that’s more terrifying than the reality that I never bothered to try. For years, I remained emotionally stunted – first by choice, then by circumstance. Despite my best efforts to move on with my life, first my heart and then my mind refused. I moved forward physically but I was emotionally stagnant.
Ironically, the more iron clad my spite and the less emotionally available I was the more desirable I seemed to become. The more women that came who genuinely wanted nothing more from me than to love them like the woman I described from my past, the more I despised them. I felt they wanted to replace her. I wasn’t going to let them. I failed to accept that all they really wanted to do was love me and I hated them for it.
Despite all hope seeming lost, one day I finally met another woman with the strength to rescue me from my own emotional carnage. She refused to be daunted by my numerous efforts to refuse the love she insist she give me. Awaking from the emotionally deceased through the love she gave me really did feel like I was beginning a new life. I’d forgotten how much I missed that state of being.
Reflecting back in a time of peace I finally accepted me and my X’s relationship for what it was – a powerful emotional fire which I failed to properly tender and it eventually smoldered. It is a pain I prefer to never feel again and I hope I never do, but the lessons learned changed me in a way that I’ll forever be grateful.
Because of our experience, I will always have a healthy respect and fear of love but I have since learned that in order to hold on to it, I need to do more than say it. I even need to do more than show it. When the time comes, I will have to overcome my greatest enemy, myself.
I will have to take a leap of faith and trust that I and the woman I love will be able to sustain the love we have for one another. Unlike I mistakenly believed before, true love will not be something I will be able to control. Furthermore, I will not be able to nurture its growth or its sustainability alone. Our love will grow for one another but it must be sustained through one another. Lastly, in doing all of the above, I must still humble myself enough to accept a harsh, yet true reality…
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Music Monday: Please share your thoughts on this song or video or suggestions for future posts. Music suggested by commenters will be acknowledged.
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Interesting… I not too long ago got a similar call…
Friend: so I have something to tell you about your boy… did you know he has a baby now? I just thought you should know since he’s been playing pop-up lately.
I still wonder ’til this day her motive for that phone call… she had to know those words would hurt like hell. Looking out for your friends interest is one thing, but I also think people enjoy sticking knives into your hearts… especially if things are all twisted and throwed in their lives.
They say time heals all wounds… and hopefully so, because you and Adele are correct, “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Thank you for sharing… I appreciate the pure and honest emotion, great read.
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I hadn’t previously seen the video; thanks for posting it. I like both song and video, and don’t know why I have yet to dl it. As far as the content, it’s not quite relevant to my life and so it doesn’t stir much feeling in me.
Because of your flippant nature and all your words and actions that speak of apathy and control, it’s very easy to forget that underneath it all, you’re nonetheless prone to feelings of vulnerability and strong emotion brought about by love. I’m glad you met that other woman, and that she succeeded in her mission. I don’t want to express positive feelings that you went through those trying times, but you learned an invaluable lesson and are better for it.
As usual, I love the fact that you’re able to show this side of you. It delayed my bedtime, but this post was certainly worth the read.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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“It delayed my bedtime, but this post was certainly worth the read.”
Co-sign.
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Hey, Krys! Off to bed you go…chop, chop! Goodnight, hun.
@WIM: I know your a** was hating on Craig David in your other video, but I looked through my iTunes to see if I could suggest a song for you to listen to and perhaps analyze, and I decided on Craig David’s “What’s Changed”. It doesn’t have an actual video, but here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j4U-0mtZe8.
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Lol thanks for tucking me in Naij!
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lol Anytime!
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I’ve never been more moved to church-hug somebody. Thanks for sharing WIM. *e-church-hug*
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Thank ya kindly mam.
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I will never understand men born under our sign. However, a loss is a loss.. please learn from it and attempt to make peace with what has occurred.
Song suggestion: Eric Roberson- Still
I love this artist. Listen to the song. The video has a twist but the theme is applicable.
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Went through something similar in my last relationship…we were broken up but still in a state of “can we repair this” when he found someone else. Less than a year later, he was a father and I was left picking up the pieces. I feel like I’m over it now but I definitely still see the mark its left in the way I deal with the men I date now. Its a process.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” ..not sure who authored this quote but thanks for sharing your battle.
Song suggestion: Megan Rochelle – Let Go
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Your honesty is very powerful in this post. Great read.
Curious though…did this occur recently? I’m wondering how this post changes, if at all, your idea that you’ll be able to fall in love whenever with whomever you chose…
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This actually happened a few moons ago. I by no means believe it will be easy for me because I take love very seriously and might even be paranoid to a fault BUT with that said, I have fallen in love again since this incident and believe myself capable to doing so again. Actually I look forward to it.
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Hey Man,
So I just wanted to say this is probably the best post I’ve read from you and I had no idea you were going through similar relationship woes.
Very thought-provoking and this is very good for women to read so they know men hurt too.
Keep it up!
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^^ Good point. Sometimes guys do such a good job of playing the role that I end up believing them.
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I loved this!!
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In my experiences, 1 of the toughest things about the break up of a long-term relationships is getting your friends to stop talking about the break up…maintaining those friendships, which used to be a joy and enriching to your life as a couple, can sometimes turn to a ho-hum chore because you gotta get them to see yall as 2 individuals again
This post was well-delivered and deep. Fellas everywhere can silently relate
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THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS is my life post-marriage. It dag near makes me hesitant to fully integrate any other man into my inner circle.
Frustrating, annoying, and a whole lotta other -ings…
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*tear* Seriously. I love this song, and its always moved me, and so has your post, even though I have not had this sort of experience.
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Dang, couldn’t get past “I’m fine”. You have me crying at work.
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Wow. I feel like we have just bonded. Why do I feel so close to you now?
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Wow, man. This is amazing. Mad props.
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I wish I could say more, but its so good, I’m at a loss for words. I’ll tweet ya when I come up with some
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Thank you.
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Once said I hated relationship blogs and bloggers for the convoluted fuckery they like to write. The lack of originality and the refusal to take new angles on tired subjects. This post, is not one of that ilk. This…is powerful. Very powerful. Salutes my dude…this is pretty damn good stuff.
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As I said on Twitter, def appreciate that. Compliments are always welcomed and appreciated. Compliments from those whose work you also respect >>>
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I’m glad I came to read this. It was very candid and I appreciate that. I have been down this road. My ex-fiance didn’t have a baby but he surely got married. It took me years to get over him and let my mother tell it I am still not over him since I’m not married yet. LOL
Anyways, thanks for sharing and I think the next song should be Hate U – by Mariah Carey.
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This was such an amazing post.
Complete loss for words.
Kudos WIM.
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Kudos sir. I have been in that place once, or twice myself. The fact that you are transparent about it, as a man, speaks to the love you had/have for this woman. We all grow and learn to love others, but that kind of love you speak about, is truly unforgettable. The motives of people who make them calls can be harmless, but damn if they don’t put a person in a jacked mental and emotional state at times.
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WIM..just want to say that though I’m just starting to comment I’ve always been a fan of your writing, and today is no different, you sir, are a talent.
The insight of yours that stuck out in my mind is that you didnt fight for this person because maybe you knew you wouldn’t have won and not because you wanted to lose– I never looked at it that way before..
I love this song by Adele because I think everyone can relate because there is always that one person, that one relationship, that changes everything: for the good, for the bad, for life. It decides who and when you will love next, how deeply, and even how truthfully. It dictates if more or less of yourself is available for the rest of your life to those around you. I’ve had that person, that relationship and it changed me as that one person should, dividing everything into ‘before him and after him.’
GREAT POST.
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Oh and I would like to suggest
John Legend, Stay with You… or
Amel Larrieux, For Real..
hope not too cheesy, :)
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I’m fairly new to your blog and was compelled to comment. It’s refreshing and almost encouraging to know that beneath the sarcasm and stone faced facade many men present there is in fact a sometimes bruised but perfectly capable of feeling HEART. Thanks for the insight.Excellent Read.
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This song has meaning for my life, too. It was so good to read someone else’s relationship to it. This is an excellent post, WIM.
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Why was I tearing up at work reading this post?! I could switch places with you in this story…way too easily. I mean, I am a girl so my role in this story would have been the same, but I too struggle with pride. Once I realize and accept that the guy just doesn’t want to be with me, I.AM.A.VIKING! There are no tear-filled conversations, no talk of how much the end of our ‘situation’ hurts me, no begging of any kind. It’s time to (wo)man up and move the heck on, burying the hurt deep inside never to be acknowledged. Yeah, that hasn’t exactly worked for me…EVER! The last 2 times I’ve done that, I’ve fallen apart at the worst possible time…IN.PUBLIC…with no where to run and hide! #ExtremelyEmbarrassing
I know men feel deeply and hurt too. Like, it doesn’t make sense to me to believe that they don’t… But, I’ve just never really seen much evidence of it. So for that, this was an AWESOME post! Thank you for sharing. :-)
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wow.
wasn’t expecting to read something so powerful.
this might be the best post i’ve ever read of yours, WIM. excellent. takes courage to be this transparent as a man. i almost got teary. geesh.
that song has a special meaning to me as well. it’s one of those songs that seemingly everyone i know has attached some sort of memory, painful or joyful, to.
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I love anything from Adele. Getting the chance to see her live was amazing. I listened to 21 for months on end. Everyone loves this song, I love the whole album. Actually I love both of them… but I digress.
While reading this post, I was instantly reminded of this song I have been playing on repeat for the past 2 weeks or so. “The Heart of the Matter” originally by Don Henley of the Eagles but India Arie’s cover is my fave, and the better version of the 2 (in my opinion). Situations like this are never easy. The fact that you are able to share this story, shows nothing but growth, and that’s always a good thing.
Thanks for sharing and inspiring!
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TALK ABOUT A REAL EXPERIENCE….
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This is the first time I have read anything by you, a friend (a very pretty friend – Mah Dame Self – by the way…hint hint wink wink) shared it with me. Just wanted to say the following was very eloquent and well-put: “Internally, however, the weight of the information splintered the dam of false emotions I had used to fortify my heart for the past year.”
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(a very pretty friend – Mah Dame Self – by the way…hint hint wink wink) Hmmmm *raised eyebrows* ….look into this, I will.
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wellll…that was breathtaking. I actually did shed a (G) tear while reading. Although its been said already I’ll say it again, amazing writing WIM! I appreciate you bearing your soul, not something we see often from male bloggers. This definitely gives the reader a better perspective on male emotion and I’m sure this is a situation that many can relate to and one that hopefully, everyone learns from.
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Wow!
Reading this post for me was like getting a glimpse into the future. For some reason I’ve always imagined that something like that would happen to me. As much as I invest in relationships, I know I have the tendency to not want to fight for something once it’s over…even if I know I’m more invested than I’d like to admit to anyone other than myself. I don’t know if it’s pride or just plain foolishness on my part.
I’d like to think that I will meet a woman, fall in love and everything will be all good. Yet, I realize life is far too unpredictable. That’s why I can’t stop imagining myself falling in love, falling out and then not taking a chance to get what I want most back.
Will this ever happen to me…who knows? The fact that it happened to you and you were brave enough to share how it affected you with the world says A LOT!
I’m sure there is still some pain from that experience, but I have no doubt that it’s made you a better man in the process. Now you know what you’ll have to do the next time around. It may not seem like things turned out the way they should have, but let a few years past…I’m willing to bet your perspective on this experience will have evolved. I can’t say for sure…but we’ll see.
Great post bro!
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Jaw dropping. Awe inspiring. Raw. Bravo.
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This brought me to tears. But… not because of my natural sympathetic tendencies, but because as I was reading, I was reminded of my own recently healed wounds. Similar to yours.
Well written. You have a gift.
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Hi. I followed you over from Single Black Male. Like everyone else, I too was drawn to this. I went through something very similar a while ago, except I was the woman you described in your story. It’s painful (to say the least) on both ends, believe me. But years later, I’ve learnt that as cliched as it sounds, things really do work out for the best. If nothing else, the experiences matures you and you learn what not to do in the future, or as you expressed so eloquently: “When the time comes, I will have to overcome my greatest enemy, myself.”
May you find peace and happiness.
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I have read this post probably a dozen times, and every response I have written was angrier than the first, for some odd reason, so I’ll try not to go far on a tangent this time.
I love this post. It is insightful, heart-breaking, raw and brave. It takes a lot to put this level of vunerability on “paper”, and I commend anyone who is able to part with such a personal experience and share it, especially in a way that does not place blame, that is reflective and tender without being weepy (which, has often been my problem with Adele, “Don’t you Remember” made me want to jump in a tub & slit my wrists).
However, I have been that girl twice. And I have received a version of this letter, twice. And I cannot tell you how gut-wrenching it is to hear something like this after you picked up the pieces of your life and moved on and you swore that nothing he said will ever affect you again.
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