Sometimes life gets you down.
Someone of significant importance in my life called me selfish. She was right. However, the clarification on why she called me selfish caught me off guard. She pointed out that for almost 30 years I’ve really had no one to worry about but myself. This has only worsened in recent years. Of course, this isn’t necessarily my fault but it is my problem.
For almost 30 years: Whenever I want to eat, I eat. Whenever I felt like going out, I went out. Whenever I felt like doing whatever it is I felt like doing, I did it. I didn’t have to check in with anyone. I didn’t have to consider how my actions would impact others. She even believed my egoistical view of the world indiscriminately carried into my subconscious actions.
For example, while we were spending time together she asked a simple question, “When do you want to eat dinner?” Since I was busying myself with some other remedial task of the day, thinking nothing of it, I told her she didn’t have to wait on me to eat. She could eat whenever and whatever she wanted. She smiled and shook her head. I didn’t pay much attention but it was highly indicative of how she truly felt about the subject. She wasn’t upset but she was observant.
Later, she would inform me that her family always eats together. The idea of eating alone is foreign, almost forbidden. What I saw as a mere dismissal of dinner, she saw as indication of much larger and looming issues that I would face whenever I entered into a serious relationship.
Would I ever be able to think beyond myself? Would I be able to place others before myself? Make the self-sacrifices necessary to realize that I don’t come first in the relationship. These were all thought provoking questions. Ones I had admittedly never even seriously considered, because I never had to.
I thought about all the movies I hopped up and went to the theater to see by myself. I reflected on all the times I went to the club with no friends or acquaintances in tote. In retrospect, I realized that I did a number of typical group activities throughout the course of my life by myself – and I was perfectly fine doing so. In fact, I noticed a clear pattern forming in the ambiguity of my memories. Happy, sad, or indifferent, my natural state of being often involved me unwinding in the absence of people not in the comfort of a crowd.
With the New Year still in in its infancy, I already find myself questioning the road ahead. I do sometimes wonder if I’ll be able to seamlessly incorporate someone else into my life. Even if I can, will I be able to accept that they have their own goals, ambitions and visions for the future. Instead, will I simply expect them to fall in line with my plan like a puzzle piece in my life’s picture instead of recognizing that they are a unique individual worthy of equal consideration, not merely another accolade for me to collect along the way.
Had I been by myself too long? Is my selfishness too engrained? When necessary, would I be able to change? For my wife? Son? Or Daughter? I honestly don’t know. I haven’t been forced to make that sacrifice…yet.
Crazy. This self-analysis was all inspired by a simple denial to an invite to dinner. Today, as I write this very post, I’m still a selfish man, but I know a time is approaching where I will have to decide who will ultimately take priority in my life. What remains to be seen is if it will always be me or will I willingly step aside to make room for someone else?
I guess time will tell.
Admin Notes:
1) Updated: On Friday, January 13th at 8:15MST, I was honored and humbled to be featured on the nationally syndicated Tom Joyner Morning Show being interviewed by Jacque Reid regarding a post I wrote for SingleBlackMale.org, The Key to a Happy and Successful Relationship: Let Your Man Cheat. You can live stream the interview by clicking here.
2) Check out my latest for BadOnlineDates.com, A Man’s POV How it Makes Me Feel When… I’m Pretending That I Like Her Just For Sex.
3) In case you missed it, you can check out my first post of 2012, Still Single? Maybe You Should Settle, by clicking here.
2012 is going to be a good year. As always, thanks for the love and support.
- WisdomIsMisery
This is ridiculous. Not you, but the idea that you’re selfish because you’re independent. These two things are not the same. It’s possible to be independent and still think of others. You can be linked to others and still be very selfish. At least you’re being reflective on your mind state. Where’s her reflections on how judgmental she was over such a trivial matter as when to eat dinner? Oh, no need for that because her way is the correct way, right? At the very least, she’s past you on the road to self awareness because she eats dinner with someone else, right? My point? This is ridiculous.
You may very well be a thoughtless, selfish person. But why would such a person discuss it with another person and the rest of us? And how thoughtful and selfless is the person shaking their head at you? There just isn’t enough here to leap to the conclusion that you’re selfish (or that she isn’t). Now let me go finish volunteering at the soup kitchen all day before returning home to eat my TV dinner that’s still cold in the middle at 10:37pm by myself because I’m selfish like that :-)
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You need to have a kid..lol Or come across a highly emotional (and very hott) chick that forces you to change ya ways. As of right now though keep doing what you doing, its all good homie.
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It’s funny you should say that because I’ve heard that before from men and women. Basically the thought is that I need someone in my life, a child in this case, that would make me more selfless. I def hope that’s the case and in theory, it makes sense. Obviously I’d want to do it right though, within the confines of a committed relationship.
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I’ll be the first to tell you, having a significant or a child for that matter will not change a damn thing. I love my girlfriend , but she can be the most selfish individual on the face of this earth. Even with her having a child she still has a lot of selfish tendacies, which she admits. Because of her natural inclination it was a rough road for her, don’t get me wrong she a fantastic mother, and she treats my daughters like gold. I guess all I’m saying is that
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change doesn’t come over night.
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Sometimes it is the most seemingly insignificant things that make us question serious things about ourselves. I don’t think a lot of the examples that you gave make you selfish, but I can see where you are going and how the “selfish” title (without the perceived negative connotation) could apply. But i think that is something most people struggle with in relationships. Its natural to think about one’s own needs first and have that tendency to just expect others to fall in line with what you want or plan to do. Its something I think most people need to work on!
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I don’t think selfish is the word here. Maybe inconsiderate or aloof are better words for this. That sounds really mean and negative but that’s not really how I mean it but the mere fact that you’ve thought about this makes you light-years ahead of most people. You see the issue and when the right time arises, I think you already know the actions you’ll have to take.
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No diss but your friend is wrong.
I hate how someone or some group of people always have to confuse being alone with selfish. If you told her you didn’t want dinner at that time, that’s not your problem it’s hers. If her family believes in eating together fine, but for people like me, when I eat alone, I’m allowed to actually finish my food and not have to entertain anyone else. What would be the difference if you ate and had no dialog going at the time?
I’m one of those loners. I spend a lot of time by myself and doing things solo and enjoy it. When I incorporate other people in some of these activities, they are always late, or something comes up or, whatever…so I go by self. You’re not selfish bruh…tell her try again.
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The notion that having a kid will make you less selfish is an illusion. Yes, you will (hopefully) put someone else above your own needs, but that doesn’t mean you’re less selfish to the people around you. If you forgot special days, were late for dates or stood your friends up, you’re gonna do it even after having a child, and probably more so because now you have a convenient excuse.
I think when you find a woman you like it won’t be hard for you to accommodate to her needs a bit. Everyone is a little selfish, it’s healthy.
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I find the responses of those who rushed to your defense interesting. Although selfishness tends to have an overly negative connotation, at its most basic level, it merely defines the fact of being chiefly concerned with one’s own self and comfort. Most people who are independent to the level that you described are in fact, selfish. Another thing that people should keep in mind is that the assessment wasn’t solely based on that one incident.
That said. While I can’t claim extensive knowledge of your character based on my readings to date, I believe that you are capable of success in that department. Much like the monogamy issue we’ve been discussing recently, it’s a matter of decisions. Should you decide to make an effort to put another’s wants/needs above yours and be more attentive to them in general, it will be an adjustment, but you will pull it off. The sense that I’m getting, though, is that you may have to make that decision prior to meeting her or right after having met someone of interest, rather than waiting on an internal desire or for some other circumstances to force you to do so.
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Also, the fact that you’ve started thinking about these things is a good sign. You’ll be aight. But it may also be dependent on finding someone who won’t let you get away with your prior habits without any form of protest.
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Yeah…I gotta call bullsh*t on this one WIM. Perhaps there is a certain amount of selfishness naturally in people who are single, and heck, men in general. I don’t think that given the situation, you should be trying to operate differently. You do things alone, because that’s what YOU are responsible for, and it makes you comfortable. Now had you said all these things while you were in a marriage or had kids, there may be cause for alarm…but you don’t. Someone shouldn’t get mad at you for being self sufficient and not ‘needy’…there’s nothing wrong with adapting to different environs and situations as necessary and how you see fit…but since they don’t apply to you, I’ll go a step further and say whomever is trying to fill your head with that nonsense, may have their own agenda. Tread carefully son.
100.
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Do pardon me, but I don’t quite understand where these comments about her being mad or judgmental are coming from. WIM clearly stated that she was not upset, and he was actually none the wiser during this event in question. What follows, then, is that this was communicated as a matter of opinion. She has as much a right to hers as the rest of you to yours.
Moreover, one does not automatically start doing things when marriage and kids come into play. There’s a transitional phase, and it starts with a different mindset and an adjusted attitude.
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Listen Ma’am. No one said there’s a switch you flip that makes change occur…I was married for 11 years…believe me…sometimes people NEVER change.
Given that, I still don’t think that people are entitled to make judgments about someone’s character based on their ‘feelings’. The fact of the matter is, he’s been alone and moving that way for a long time. If he desires to change things about himself for the better, fine. But because someone doesn’t fit into your ‘box’, it doesn’t make them bad people, nor does it have to carry a negative connotation. For someone to make a statement like that based on the situation he just described, is ridiculous. Now, was mad too strong of a word to choose? Perhaps…but people don’t go around making negative character judgments because their ‘fine’.
Also…like you said…we ALL have a right to our own opinion, correct?
100.
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