No offense to the committed bloggers of the e-world and their respective significant others but let’s be honest about a dirty little secret of the currently single, the allegedly “single,” and the formerly single among us. A relationship is one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship blogger. There, I said it.
Logically, most people think they should turn to people in healthy relationships to receive relationship advice – and you would be correct if only you weren’t in-correct. If a man or a woman is in a relationship, they are usually biased to their significant other. Since they have someone they need to “love, honor, and obey,” they are often forced to present you, the readers, with falsified information. Who is more likely to tell you the truth: The guy trying to sleep with you or the guy who doesn’t even like you as a person? If you answered the former, you’re probably one of those people who thinks your boyfriend answer honestly when you ask him, “How do these jeans look on me?”
In other words, blogger’s current boyfriend/fiancé/husband doesn’t want to read about all the scandalous activities their current girl used to engage in before “she changed” for him. A man’s current girlfriend/fiancé/wife doesn’t want to read about all the women her man use to bed before her nor does she want to hear, in detail, the techniques he used, most of them deceitfully uncouth, to bed those women. This is especially true if he used those same tactics to bed her – and even if he did not, she won’t believe him anyway.
You may have noticed that rather than tread this Bermuda triangle of providing truthfully honest content for readers and keeping the peace in their homes, most bloggers turned lovers will alter their style of writing or in some extreme cases, I’m looking at you, women bloggers, stop blogging all together.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not their fault and it’s not their significant other’s fault. Spoken or unspoken, most of your most avid writers of relationship blogs long to be in the same successful and happy relationships they attack or promote in their writing. In some cases, whether you realize it or not, they already are. However, behind every blogger in a relationship is a strong man/woman or someone that has no idea they blog, yet. It takes a strong man/woman in the background, secure in the merits of the relationship, to allow the person they love to bare their heart and soul for the consumption of complete and often highly judgmental strangers. Some bloggers have even had to choose between the two – and they don’t always choose the relationship.
Is it too much to ask of someone, even if they love you, to stand idly by as you construct blog after blog about how you used to lie, cheat, steal and pillage your way into the hearts of untold sums of women and men past, yet, all the while you are promising them you have changed. Should a man sit quietly as 100s, if not 1000s of men lust after his woman on the Internet, waiting or even hoping he fails so they can replace him? But, then again, “those guys” don’t matter, right? After all she gave him her “word.” The same word, which is used to describe her innermost frustrations, desires, hopes, dreams and more to strangers; strangers whom she sometimes confides in before him.
It is a hefty toll to place on any relationship, especially one in its infancy. I, for example, have dated women that know about my blog, some that don’t, and others that do but refused to read or couldn’t handle the content they did read – their ignorance was our relationship’s bliss.
You should know that I, and the men and women like me, often are more open here in these on-line forums than we are with our own friends, family, and loved ones. At times, these blogs act as chronological journals of our lives. We open ourselves up in ways that we didn’t know we were capable of. There has been more than one occasion where in the midst of drafting a blog I had an epiphany, a moment of self-discovery, of growth, or other. There have been times I’ve laughed so hard I couldn’t finish writing. Other times, overtook by emotion, as words poured from my fingers, tears simultaneously poured from my eyes.
Behind the scenes I remain, hidden, yet open.
Here in this on-line world, people like me share our thoughts for you to read and hopefully appreciate, learn, and most importantly, relate. Be it in the realization that you are not alone or in presenting a viewpoint you had not considered before. We are not complaining. We are happy to be that voice or the sounding board. We are humbled by your readership, your emails and comments; even if we are sometimes miffed by your interpretations – those both accurate and inaccurate. Behind our words, sometimes forgotten, we are only human.
This is the burden of your favorite bloggers, but it is one we choose to bear, often with pride and paranoia. There are times when our unbridled and open writing is our curse and in many cases, a day will come when are words fall on deaf ears before the words themselves grow mute. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy our journey as much as we enjoy sharing them with you. That is, until the day we may have to choose to walk away so that we can enjoy the successes of our own chance at Love, happiness or whatever else motivates us beyond the keyboard.
You know, in real life.
Admin Note:
Check out my latest for SingleBlackMale.org, Open Letter: We Confess, Men Are Afraid of Love.
1000% On point! People dont realize the hinderance that our social situations on the other side of the keyboard bring to our writing! It is a struggle, but the best bloggers overcome it.
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I can’t open up to any guy the way I do in my blog comments. It’s not really that I don’t want to be judged, it’s moreso that I’m not comfortable with anybody who actually knows me, knowing so much about me. I like to keep people at arm’s length. I’m even hesistant to retweet blog posts because I don’t want someone I know clicking the link & scrolling down to read my comments. Silly, right?
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for an actual blogger. Must be similar to living a double life, so I understand why someone in a relationship would want to give it (blogging) up or change it up.
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This right chere is a blog series of it’s own: When confiding in strangers feels safer than your SO. Though it basically boils down to IDG(much of)AF what strangers think of me.
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Hmm, I have all sorts of thoughts on this post. (<–Always a good sign)
At your first paragraph, I almost instantly disagreed. But that's just because I like to disagree with you ;-) JK, but I seriously was coming at this from a different angle. Take for example Most. Now Most is a great, deep, honest, interesting writer, please don’t let any of the following detract from that fact. Most is dope, irrespective of these bonus points. But the fact that he’s married gives him a distinct advantage. Sure he gets less of the totally in lust, throwing their panties, DMing for hookups, pics of their lady bits to his e-mail type of fans that I’m sure Wimmy here is swimming in :-p (and I did say “less” not none – bishes be triflin); but what he loses in lovesick, searching for a hubby online or the least an eboo type chicks, he gains in women that say “THIS is the type of guy that I’m looking for, let me listen to this cat”. That look to him as the rare and deified “good man”. Yeah, he did his dirt, but then something happened, and he committed, like marriage(!), young, and he’s smart, and has some swag
and bonus! He’s completely dedicated to only Black women, let’s not act like that doesn’t heap additional bonus points on him. This earns Most a lot, lot of leeway. Cause here’s the thing of the thing (shoutout to @SSDated), women are HARD on men that we have high expectations of and soft as a powder puff on dudes that we expect nothing of (thus the reason that @ssholes stay in some commitment free, drama free tang). So when WIM (an allegedly single blogger that the readers may be lusting after) says “I have no problem bedding chicks that I have no plans on being with tomorrow, much less next year” the women get all up in arms, cuz WIM ain’t talking about “chicks” he’s potentially talking about THEM. And WIM was supposed to be “different”, “better”, not like those other men… But Most, Most has two outs of this exact situation. First, most women aren’t checkin for Most, he’s off the market, persona no grata – so we personalize less. We go, “yeah, breaking news: men are dogs” and move on. But his HUGE trump card: he gets to say, “I USED to have no problem bedding chicks that I have no plans on being with tomorrow, much less next year. But now that I got my Queen, I only got eyes for her.” *cue the fainting ladies and women imagining their future husband making the same lovely proclamation about them overshadowing all other women that came before or after them* They don’t even notice the potentially douchebaggy part and if they do it’s a-ok, cause he’s seen the light, he’s repented and changed his ways. One indisputable fact: Most stays winning. I doubt he would tell you that being married is a disadvantage of the blogging game.Alllllll that said, once I read past your 1st paragraph, I totally feel what you’re saying. And I get it. I get if you** gotta take a break, I get if you are a little more reserved with your blogging when in a relationship, I get it if the appeal of blogging suddenly dampens next to a real life relationship, I get it if your female readership falls off when you announce your happily boo’d up status, and I get that you’d feel slightly jilted by that drop in readership.
But it is what it is. People blog for different reasons. Some to find closure, some for curiosity, some for social networking, some for something to do when they’re bored, some searching out like souls and comfort in knowing they’re not alone, some for publicity and book deals, some to learn the inner workings of the opposite sex’s mind, some just to get some ish off their chest in a quasi anonymous way. And when blogging meets a need, or something, perhaps love, now fulfills that need instead – well, while you may be missed: I’m glad your needs are being fulfilled and that the blogging community was there when something else was missing. For every thing, there is a season. I know I miss Seattle Washington’s presence in the blog world, but that’s just how it goes…life moves on.
**from this point on “you” is the general “you” as in everyone, not specifically WIM.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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These are all great points. All I have to add is I am sure Most, or any married writer, undoubtedly had “the talk” with his wife about his goals and ambitions. For the fortunate, like Most, I assume his wife was then supportive of his pursuits. We can sit here and pretend that would always be the case but judging by the number of blogs that have folded as their relationships succeeded, we know that is not true. Hopefully, I will never have to choose between the writing I Love and the woman i Love, because I’m not sure who will win.
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I’d bet that the writing gets really interesting when in a relationship. Nothing like comparing a person’s pre, during, & post-relationship work.
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so basically…thumbs all the way up for this comment.
Most is a dope writer to me. one of my favs, actually. but he’s a dope writer and Relationship Idol to a lot of women, it seems. i get that as a woman, you’d rather listen to a married man than a single man, but he’s admitted more than once to have been a “villain” just like any other back in his single days.
frankly it scares me how much trust and merit some people put in the words of bloggers. they are flawed people like everyone else, and i know too many personally that live an almost opposite life of what they blog (sometimes out of necessity- i.e. the whole having to be a “single” black male).
anyhoo, yeah i agree. lol
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I pretty much know, once I get boo’d up, the blogging will cease. By definition, it would have to. Because couple sex and swinger blogs are boring as hell. Imo. And this life I’m blogging about doesn’t have room for boyfriends.
Whenever I get a new cub, I tell him about the blog. I’m always surprised when they express nothing more than amused curiosity. Most never bother to read it. The one who reads it faithfully is quite quite confused about how to deal with my online vs real persona. And all those guys. And my tales of their size and techniques. And my varied emotional reaction.
I’m trying hard to help him sort it out, but I think its too much for some young men to handle. I knew that when I started this. Knew what I’d be potentially sacrificing. But living truthfully, transparently, life on full volume is something I won’t easily give up. He will have to be one hell of a man.
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I’m often surprised by the number of women I date who don’t bother reading my blog. This is fine if they don’t care. It’s really only an issue if they read it months later and they’re caught off guard, which has happened. Such is life, I guess.
I don’t even plan on stopping but obviously, to keep the peace, style or content may change slightly. We shall see. In a perfect world, I can find a woman that is both accepting and encouraging. This has happened too from time to time.
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i think i may have to write a response post to this. like Starr did, but on my own blog. lmboo. <3 you Starr.
seriously though, i have soooo many thoughts on this. from 2007-2009, i ran She's So Flyy, just a completely random personal blog. and let me tell you, when it came to that blog and my relationship, mo readers, mo problems. mo popularity, mo problems. mo money, MO problems! and i wasn't even trying to be popular.
i am guilty of just saying eff it and quitting. although i kept the site and posted ever so often, i pretty much committed blog suicide when i made the decision to stop posting as often and being much less open. it caused a break-up (bf was uuuuber jealous–of E-PEOPLE!) and i really had to take a break to extinguish some of the drama.
i can’t imagine ever wanting to be “popular” again, at least solely as a blogger, but i do know that in those days, rare were the “meet ups” and real-life interactions, happy hours, tweet-ups, parties, that have become a big part of being a blogger nowadays. i can only cringe at the thought of how that would have been. at least then i could call these random avatars and inappropriate or flirtatious commentators “e-people.” now, that dude or girl will be wherever your blogging boo is, every.single.time there is an event, with their cleanest, flyyest outfit, smooth talk, and batty eyelashes. …and then tweet about how fine he or she is.
*pours out a little liquor to privacy and ‘separate but equal’ lives*
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Girl I know I’m longwinded like a mug, no offense taken. :-)
This was a great topic, I covered two points in my
tomebut I had lots more swirling in my head believe it or not…it could be like 5 posts easily.Like or Dislike:
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Twice, I’ve tried to start up a personal blog. Twice, I’ve failed. The fact that my life is not particularly exciting aside, I simply can’t do it. I admire the honesty, openness, and transparency of some bloggers, but I personally would be too concerned about being cryptic and writing in a way that I wouldn’t have cause for concern when certain people I would rather keep very separate from my “online life” stumble their way into it. On SBM, twice I’ve said something that has been picked up by others who know me or the subject of my comment. Luckily for me, there are only few things I say that would make me cringe in that kind of a scenario. However, it means that I can’t write freely, and there is therefore no point. I’m cool with that, though.
You guys are in an interesting position because one would assume that a member of your female readership would then be the ideal partner. Not so. Depending on the woman, things she once smirked at will receive the slightest frown. Women she once joked with will be given behind-the-scene side-eyes laced with e-venom for making the slightest comment that could be interpreted as flirtatious. Here, you personally have a bit of an upper hand because you do not engage in active flirtation with your female readers. Smart cookie.
Whereas you’ve never made any real indication of your relationship status in the past, she might want you to put out some kind of PSA or drop hints that you are currently off the market. You’ll write a completely innocent post and she’ll wonder if it has something to do with the argument you had two weeks ago. And so on, and so forth.
What it all boils down to is that both parties need to be really honest with themselves about what they can and can’t deal with. Some will, of their own volition, have to part ways with the blogger. Some bloggers will realize on their own that they don’t feel right unless they alter either their posts or the way they write them. I still think transparency is a good thing. If my S/O had a blog, I would want to have knowledge of it. I spend time going through years of other people’s materials, why wouldn’t I do the same for the one who matters? That said, I would actually prefer having known of the blog beforehand, and taken a liking to him because of, and/or in spite of what I’ve read. A serious blogger loves his craft, and I would be remiss if I were to come between him and something that brings him joy. The obvious caveat here is that I couldn’t date someone who actively disparages women or any other group, or whose writing is generally juvenile. I dig self-reflection and observable growth.
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I’m a very private person, so I could never date a guy who told all about us on a blog. Especially if he used his real name, picture, or any other info that would let people know his “real” identity, (and obviously mine as well). I could also never write a blog read by strangers where I told all about my business. I tried that when I was younger, and the first sign of someone knowing me reading it, and I locked it up, and it has stayed and will stay locked. Only a couple e-friends have access to it.
I definitely understand your problem WIM. Some bloggers can be discrete about it and still tell their readers a lot, others don’t let their SOs read their blog because they know they wouldn’t approve. Hopefully you will find someone who understands you and approves of it.
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At times, these blogs act as chronological journals of our lives. We open ourselves up in ways that we didn’t know we were capable of. There has been more than one occasion where in the midst of drafting a blog I had an epiphany, a moment of self-discovery, of growth, or other. There have been times I’ve laughed so hard I couldn’t finish writing. Other times, overtook by emotion, as words poured from my fingers, tears simultaneously poured from my eyes.
Behind the scenes I remain, hidden, yet open.
Those lines above killed it, i could have swore it was me writing. Nice piece bro
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Yea, I keep my blog life and my personal life completely separate. I don’t even blog about relationships, my blog is mostly work/personal life centered, I just don’t want anyone I know reading it. I also don’t really blog for comments or notoriety or anything like that, its mostly just a way for me to tell the world my perspective, because its a somewhat unique one. Before I got here, I was interested in hearing from someone like me, but blogs like mine were few and far between.
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Real… the last time I was involved, I kept hoping he wouldn’t go to the site and thing something I wrote, or someone else for that matter wrote but I chose to post was in reference to him. My ex-whatever actually reads the blog from time to time and he said it saddens him.
So you don’t want to alienate the one you’re with… yet, I’ve always been an open book, and if something said rubs the man I’m with the wrong way, then I am open to discuss. I think it’s a very fine line we much tread between honesty and respect for the feelings of those around us.
But on the cool, I use my friends in my blogs more than myself, and I will receive a “was that about me?” email/text/phone call in which I am honest and let them know I did draw from their situation.
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